Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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