we made out on top of his cat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
