My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
