In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
