allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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