I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish my penis had an off switch
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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