My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
