I just pynch a tree in the face
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
