the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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