my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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