Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
