Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
