8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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