Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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