come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
