Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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