Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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