I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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