I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
