Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
