You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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