at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
