mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
you never un-have a 4some
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
