The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You took a bar mat shot.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
But theres a keg here and me gusta
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
