I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
