Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
