Who wears a wallet chain?!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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