i would punch a child for taco bell
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
