Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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