i jhust puked up my retainher.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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