if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
