Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
