Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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