if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
