I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
FUCK WHALES
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
