Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
