I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
