he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
