quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
