You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
