My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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