Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
