omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
