im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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