seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
