You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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