my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
