Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
