you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
They are going to name an STD after you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
