make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
