Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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