dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How naked do you want me to be?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
